Fighting an Indian War is Tedious for You and Me. We Need a Break.

So do our characters. Fictional scout Toby Ryker is, by this time, experiencing burnout, battle fatigue, shell-shock, or as it is called today, Delayed Stress Syndrome. He realizes this and asks Sibley for a leave of absence for some R & R. Sibley agrees and issues Ryker a furlough, and he's off to St. Paul to visit Big Faye Knutsen, his Swedish whore, for relaxation. From "Blood on the Prairie A Novel of the Sioux Uprising," here is the report on their rendezvous.

   Two hours and a bathtub full of trail dust later, Ryker emerged from Faye's personal toilette dressed in a crimson robe that she had bought him the previous Christmas. She sat with him as he bathed, scrubbed his back, and added sweet smelling toilet water to the tub. He came out not only clean, but also smelling like a refined gentleman rather than horse manure and saddle leather.
   Ryker scratched his whiskers. "You know, a fellow could get used to this."
   "Hell, just up and quit the army and move in here. There's sure plenty of work to do, and I can use the help."
   "Naw, reckon I wouldn't make a gentleman of leisure. But I thank you for offering to marry me."
   "Who said anything about marriage?" Faye replied. "I don't want to marry you. I just want you to live with me."
   "Oh, Faye, you just want me to be your love slave. Now, admit it."
   "I have to admit that for not being a Swede, you're pretty good in the sack."
   "Thanks. It runs in the family. Have you had any excitement up here lately?"
   "Not much, just those two idiots who rode down the street last week."
   "Who's that?"
   "Well, Ethel and me, see, we were sitting on the front steps airing ourselves out when these two guys come up Wabasha Avenue riding a Missouri mule. They looked kind of stupid, so after they rode past, I says to Ethel, I says, 'Look at those two assholes on that mule!" I must have said it kind of loud, because they heard me say it too."
   "You? Talking loud? Go on, Faye. I don't believe it."
   "Oh, shut up," Faye said, slapping him playfully on the arm. "So anyway, after I said that, those two morons climbed off that mule and backed it up so its butt was facing us, and then they lifted its tail and looked and said, 'Naw, he only has one asshole. See?' Well, that mule didn't like us gawking at its bung, I guess, so it up and kicked at those two fellows, and when they fell back, the danged critter up and ran away."
   Ryker stared at Faye a second then started to laugh so hard he turned red in the face. "Stop it, Faye. You'll give me the apoplexy!"
   Faye chuckled. "I haven't seen you laugh this hard since the time I tied you to my bed and tickled you with that feather."
   "It's good to laugh, Faye. This takes the knots out of my guts."
   "Yes, that's what this trip is all about for you, isn't it? Well, anyway, that story about those two dimwits on the mule is true. That's no joke. it really happened."
   "No! You got to be kidding me!"
   "If I'm lying, I'm dying."
   Breaking into hysterical laughter again, Ryker slapped his knee. "Well, if that don't beat all, for cripes sake." He shook his head and wiped tears of mirth from his eyes. "So what did you do then?"
   "We didn't do nothing. We just went back insid ehte house and watched them wander up the street."
   "Did they ever catch their mule?"
   "Oh, sure, sure, it didn't wander very far. They climbed back on the dumb thing, and after the critter dumped a load of crap on my sidewalk, all three of them continued on down Wabasha Avenue."
   "I wonder who in the dickens they were."
   "Haven't the foggiest idea, except that the first one called the second one Steve and the second one called the first one Mike. But they were obviously a few bricks shy of a load."
   Ryker started laughing again. "I guess it takes all kinds to make a world, so they say."
   "I suppose."
(to be continued)

Read more about the antics of Big Faye Knutsen and Ryker on furlough at the links below.
Amazon Kindle:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B002HWSX12
Barnes and Noble Nook:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/blood-on-the-prairie-a-novel-of-the-sioux-uprising-sesquicentennial-edition-steven-m-ulmen/1110322785?ean=2940014643931
Google Ebooks:
http://books.google.com/books?printsec=frontcover&id=6rU-6z03smwC#v=onepage&q&f=false